- -iF i EVER fAll iN LOV3

-- & i ever fall in love, again.
i will be sure that the lady is my friend..
& i ever fall so true,
i will be sure that the lady is just like yhu. -Shai.*

So today, i was a little better.

Felt a little stronger.

Ate alot more. =D.

Seriously, everything was fine today BUT my night was crazy.

I have like no guy friends anymore. LOL.

i made malk upset, jon told me to delete his number, & JB fussed me out last night.

the crazy thing about it all is, i really am getting to a point where i don't give a fuck.

let's approach this JB subject - he says i was fuckin mean yesterday cause i chose not to speak to him, like yu have a mouth too. we try talking things out BUT i still feel the same way, & i just REFUSE to be friends with him on the level(S) he's requesting. he says he wants to still be friends, but he wants to prove that me & him are JUST friends to her. NOT being my friend on the days she's not around or whatever isn't proving anything. seriously & when yu work things out yu needa go into the relationship knowing what's what. & being my friend was what's up. or so i thought. but instead yu just don wanna be friends now, but later on down the road yu wanna reconnect?? i'm lost. that's going to cause drama because yur working things out WITHOUT being my friend, so why would yu need me later on down the road?

exactly.

my mommy said she's proud of me for sticking up for myself. =D

but fuck that, i'm proud of myself.

Jon - now where to start with this nigga? he's fine as hell & he's a nice person to hang out with, but i ain't tryna fuck him on some real shit. i'm just tryna get to know him, ya know?

he wanna taste me & some more shit, so i'm like can yu wait? LOL. like yu can't go around just opening yur legs to people, so this nigga told me he was gonna go to the beach with me tonight. he calld a rain check cause his daddy had his car. then texted me at like 1130 talking bouh go over his friend's house. i simply reply with a no. he asks why..i say because im gonna call a rain check, my mommy has my car. this nigga get mad & just motha fuckin tell me to delete his shit. LOL, so i did. whatever.

Malkum - i really love him. when i say i love him, i'm not IN love with him, but i've grown

to love the person that he is. he's real sweet & caring, sometimes. LOL. but anyways, we go out to the beach & we're all boo lovin & all.. we end up messin around, but i catch myself & i stop..he gets mad & don even wanna walk me out to my car..wtf.

i feel like this. if yur fucking another girl. then why yu tryna fuck me?

that shit don fly by with me, at all. i'm noone's plan B, with no guarenttee.

fuck that shit. but anyways,

i'm so damn tired. i'ma hit the blogspot tomorrow morning, let yu know the rest of my night.

-Lewinsky~*

- -GET iT TOGETHER.*

- -the choice is yhurs, no matter what it is.
to choose life, is to choose to forgive.
yhu don't have to try & hurt him
or break his pride.
just shake that weight off & yhu'll be ready to fly.
one shot to yhur hear without breaking yhur skin,
noone has the power to hurt yhu like yhur friends.. -India Arie.*

SN: India Arie is the best. I just hope I can go back to listening to her music without crying.

LOL. seriously thou.

But i'm seeing that it hurts worse when i try & fight it.

Maybe i should just embrace the pain..

this too shall pass.*

- -SUPERSTAR.*

- don't yhu remember yhu told me yhu loved me baby?
yhu said yhu'd be coming back this way again, baby.
baby, baby, baby, baby ohh, baby... i love yhu.
...i really do. - -Luther Vandross.*

so for the past couple of days i've been really feeling some type a way. some moments i can shake it off, but there are some moments where i can't. the moment is back where i can't get it off my mind. SO - straight to the fucking point. I use to have this bestfriend, right. Up until a few days ago. It wil be a week on wednesday. ANYWAYS. lemme give yhu some history on this nigga. known him ever since was like 9. didn't really start talking to him until i was like 16ish. we were "talking" if that's even what yhu consider that shit to be. he meant alot to me then, BUT then i find out that he had a girlfriend. the way i found out thou, was by the girl. Sooo, me & her decide to be cool or whatever. fakest friendship ever. all we wanted to know was what he told each other & what each of us done with him. and i'm woman enuff to say that was childish BUT it's what girls do when they find out that they were being played. so me & this nigga beefin cause he said i lied on him, okaaay. whatever. we both exchanged some messages to each other that were pretty hurtful. MEANWHILE - he's tellin her that i was lying and i ain't nuffin but a hoe, slut, everything BUT the truth. so we don't speak for a good amount of time. months down the road, i feel like hating him is a waste of time, that as long as i hated him, i was going to have some feelings for him, so i let it be known that the beef was over. i ain't care. so we came to an agreement to let shit rock. i also wrote the girl a message apologizing for my behavior & wanted to start over on our friendship because i know i wasn't really into it like i was suppose to be. them two continue on talkin & making things work, i move on. anyways, me & him become real cool. like bestfriends type cool. me & her fell off, whatever. so fast foward thru all the late night talks, arguments & laughter & cries, sorrow stories, & just happiness knowing i had a true bestfriend to a night in august when he tells me he loves me. yhu know as a friend. i've never had anyone except my ex, tell me that they actually love me. & when he explained why, it gave me a nice feeling inside. to actually know that i was cared for. monday aug. 9, he tells me in person, i felt different. like dumb struck.. it's different when yhur face to face. soo, tuesday night, he has an argument & he tells me he'll talk to me tomorrow. i said okay, bestfriends can do that, right? so wednesday morning, he signs on AIM, or so i thought it was him. & i write him & ask if he feels better. the message that came back was saying that his ex said that me & him can't talk anymore. she told him that he couldn't talk to me anymore. sooo i'm thinking like, yo. wtf, who gives a rat's ass about what the broad thinks or says. we're JUST friends. i see no reason why we can't talk, but i just ask him..do yhu wish we not talk anymore. the reply comes back as a yes. i say, so we're not friends anymore? then the next message says "oh that was her, this is me" i'm like whoever it is, do yhu not wanna be friends anymore? he replies with a no. i say okay. i sign off. i cried & cried & cried that day. i cried my heart out.. i cried man. i went downstairs & told my mom. she said to see what alla that was about...730 comes & i get back online, & i ask. he says it's no beef, but can we chill out on our friendship. LIKE WTF do yhu mean. i said no. i'd rather be nothing at all then lowering our friendship, however the fuck yhu do that. told him that i hated him, i wouldn't acknowledge him or speak when i see him. basically i was saying fuck you JB.

then i went into my delete mode. deleted that nigga from my fone, my facebook, my myspace, and AIM. & was crying, i felt like a bitch for lettin that nigga get to me like that. No, i felt like a bitch for lettin myself let him get close & to walk out on me...again. talked to my mom about how i felt, i'm not gonna repeat what she did, but she ain't happy. let's leave it at that. the situation might not be the exact same - however the dynamics of it all is. it's me, him, & her.

& i was going to say something to her, but for what? obviously she feels some type of way about me for her to say that shit. simply put. if yhu gotta cut friendships off to make things work, that's what it is then. i hope cuttin me out the picture helps..

i talked to my bestfriend Se. she made me cry harder, she broke some shit down to me. some real shit. on how when yhu love someone yhu'd sacrafice people & things to make things work with that one person. if that's where yhur heart is at, then yhur gonna go for it.. i wouldn't know that thou. so i'm like Se, i don't understand. but it's not for me to i suppose.

but i should move on & not be treated like this.

my general manager had said something about it, told me to stand by and respect his decision & just be there when he needs me, like a friend would do.

my mommy always told me that if yhu take half of what people say & put half of what i want in the mix..to go off of that. well my decision is..

to move on. i can't be apart of something like that. call me when yhu need me but drop me as soon as someone else comes in the picture. i'm learning myself & while i'm doing this i don't want a friend who i can only talk to when she's not around or whenever noone is around. 10 percent one day, 55 the next & nothing the day after that.. that's not what i want. it's not what i need. i need someone stable, someone who won't leave me, someone who is understanding. & i'm sorry for ending on such terms, but guess that's just how the cookie crumbles?

i don't think yhu meant it when yhu said yhu loved me.. never meant any of it. nothing of the how muchs i make yhu feel better, nothing. i don't hate yhu, i don feel anything towards yhu. i wish the best upon yhu & yhur decisions. i'm still not going to talk to yhu, acknowledge yhur presence & walk away from yhu. that's just where i'm at..

yhur now on my list again, my list of guys who just hurt me.

-LEWiNSKy.*

- -SOMETHiN.*

"There you go, is this a dream..?
Looking like every picture that i've seen..
of you beforee..i've seen it all before.
but now that it's over.. should of known better." - DRAKE.


Soo it's been a minute. & aloooot has been going on. LMAO.
let's start with last night. SO!! i got in the house around 1 am.
but didn't fall asleep til about 23o, woke up at 5 am. texted til
6 & realized, i wasn't going back to sleep. got up & made me a plate
of mashed potatos & fried chicked with grape soda. lmao. saat under the dryer,
watched the movie "perfect stranger". got out from under the dryer.. felt sleepy.
stretched out across the couch & my eyes closed... i heard my mom at 730, getting up.
i knew i was not going to be able to sleep. time to get ready for church. smh. lol.
got to church, it was communion & so it was extra long. went to applebee's afterwards.
damn near fell out lol, ate like no tomorrow.. then back home. or so i thought. but i ended up
going to go see malkum & hang out with him. he's really the best. no matter what ever
happens, he'll always be my friendd. =] MOViNG ON. came home round 6.
put an apple pie in the oven & laid down.. it felt great. i couldn't even move.. lol.

but then, my bestfriend texted me bout 7ish. smh, it was over with. lol.
he was performing at this poetry club thing, he wanted me to come..
& i did promise him on friday that i would. soo.. i got up around 8. told him i'd be there
by 9. so i jump ready. get on the road bout 830, & i took the WRONG exit. lmao. so i turned
myself around & got on the right one. lol, then i try & parrallel park mad. LOL. not a good look.
so i just park up some more.. but that's after i was trying to see where the hell the shit was.
i made it thou. & he was performing when i walked in! =D go me.

honestly, i think he did REALLLLLLL good. i liked it.
i didn't like his wack ass crowd. too many bitches there for the WRONG reason.
but whatever. i was there & i smiled at him while he was performing..
he smiled back. =D. them bitches was mad. pahaha.

it was good thou. i would do it again.
even the part when this crazy ass girl parked cross the street
& turned her headlights off to watch me & him talk. smh.
dumb bitch. you & your friends were too wack for that.
next time bitch, turn your headlights off while you're parking.
maybe you wouldn't look so obvious. OH. & don't ride around
up & down the street multiple times & theeen you decide to park.
like your car wasn't noticable. DUMB ASS.
hahahaha.

Moving on.. Simply Put, this is how i feel. alot of females will always be a sideline
girl..hoe, skeet, dtf, whatever. You need to stay in your place & stop calling someone
else what they're not. You know, Jus Becuz you're not in a place to accept the fact that you're on the sideline.. doesn't mean that you can go around calling everyone else that. LOL. shows that you're insecure. so do yourself & others a favor.. stop swingin from the guy's nuts & move on.
you girls aren't gonna get anywhere. if he just hangs with you just to get some, & you see that
he's not trying to make things work, then moveeeee on. Simply Put...

anyways, i'm done having my little fun here. about to run out the house
& do some shit. it's sooo pretty outside.

-gone.

Lewinsky~