yhu said yhu'd be coming back this way again, baby.
baby, baby, baby, baby ohh, baby... i love yhu.
...i really do. - -Luther Vandross.*
so for the past couple of days i've been really feeling some type a way. some moments i can shake it off, but there are some moments where i can't. the moment is back where i can't get it off my mind. SO - straight to the fucking point. I use to have this bestfriend, right. Up until a few days ago. It wil be a week on wednesday. ANYWAYS. lemme give yhu some history on this nigga. known him ever since was like 9. didn't really start talking to him until i was like 16ish. we were "talking" if that's even what yhu consider that shit to be. he meant alot to me then, BUT then i find out that he had a girlfriend. the way i found out thou, was by the girl. Sooo, me & her decide to be cool or whatever. fakest friendship ever. all we wanted to know was what he told each other & what each of us done with him. and i'm woman enuff to say that was childish BUT it's what girls do when they find out that they were being played. so me & this nigga beefin cause he said i lied on him, okaaay. whatever. we both exchanged some messages to each other that were pretty hurtful. MEANWHILE - he's tellin her that i was lying and i ain't nuffin but a hoe, slut, everything BUT the truth. so we don't speak for a good amount of time. months down the road, i feel like hating him is a waste of time, that as long as i hated him, i was going to have some feelings for him, so i let it be known that the beef was over. i ain't care. so we came to an agreement to let shit rock. i also wrote the girl a message apologizing for my behavior & wanted to start over on our friendship because i know i wasn't really into it like i was suppose to be. them two continue on talkin & making things work, i move on. anyways, me & him become real cool. like bestfriends type cool. me & her fell off, whatever. so fast foward thru all the late night talks, arguments & laughter & cries, sorrow stories, & just happiness knowing i had a true bestfriend to a night in august when he tells me he loves me. yhu know as a friend. i've never had anyone except my ex, tell me that they actually love me. & when he explained why, it gave me a nice feeling inside. to actually know that i was cared for. monday aug. 9, he tells me in person, i felt different. like dumb struck.. it's different when yhur face to face. soo, tuesday night, he has an argument & he tells me he'll talk to me tomorrow. i said okay, bestfriends can do that, right? so wednesday morning, he signs on AIM, or so i thought it was him. & i write him & ask if he feels better. the message that came back was saying that his ex said that me & him can't talk anymore. she told him that he couldn't talk to me anymore. sooo i'm thinking like, yo. wtf, who gives a rat's ass about what the broad thinks or says. we're JUST friends. i see no reason why we can't talk, but i just ask him..do yhu wish we not talk anymore. the reply comes back as a yes. i say, so we're not friends anymore? then the next message says "oh that was her, this is me" i'm like whoever it is, do yhu not wanna be friends anymore? he replies with a no. i say okay. i sign off. i cried & cried & cried that day. i cried my heart out.. i cried man. i went downstairs & told my mom. she said to see what alla that was about...730 comes & i get back online, & i ask. he says it's no beef, but can we chill out on our friendship. LIKE WTF do yhu mean. i said no. i'd rather be nothing at all then lowering our friendship, however the fuck yhu do that. told him that i hated him, i wouldn't acknowledge him or speak when i see him. basically i was saying fuck you JB.
then i went into my delete mode. deleted that nigga from my fone, my facebook, my myspace, and AIM. & was crying, i felt like a bitch for lettin that nigga get to me like that. No, i felt like a bitch for lettin myself let him get close & to walk out on me...again. talked to my mom about how i felt, i'm not gonna repeat what she did, but she ain't happy. let's leave it at that. the situation might not be the exact same - however the dynamics of it all is. it's me, him, & her.
& i was going to say something to her, but for what? obviously she feels some type of way about me for her to say that shit. simply put. if yhu gotta cut friendships off to make things work, that's what it is then. i hope cuttin me out the picture helps..
i talked to my bestfriend Se. she made me cry harder, she broke some shit down to me. some real shit. on how when yhu love someone yhu'd sacrafice people & things to make things work with that one person. if that's where yhur heart is at, then yhur gonna go for it.. i wouldn't know that thou. so i'm like Se, i don't understand. but it's not for me to i suppose.
but i should move on & not be treated like this.
my general manager had said something about it, told me to stand by and respect his decision & just be there when he needs me, like a friend would do.
my mommy always told me that if yhu take half of what people say & put half of what i want in the mix..to go off of that. well my decision is..
to move on. i can't be apart of something like that. call me when yhu need me but drop me as soon as someone else comes in the picture. i'm learning myself & while i'm doing this i don't want a friend who i can only talk to when she's not around or whenever noone is around. 10 percent one day, 55 the next & nothing the day after that.. that's not what i want. it's not what i need. i need someone stable, someone who won't leave me, someone who is understanding. & i'm sorry for ending on such terms, but guess that's just how the cookie crumbles?
i don't think yhu meant it when yhu said yhu loved me.. never meant any of it. nothing of the how muchs i make yhu feel better, nothing. i don't hate yhu, i don feel anything towards yhu. i wish the best upon yhu & yhur decisions. i'm still not going to talk to yhu, acknowledge yhur presence & walk away from yhu. that's just where i'm at..
yhur now on my list again, my list of guys who just hurt me.
-LEWiNSKy.*
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